Remembering Jeff

2026 will mark the seventh anniversary since my brother, Jeff, unexpectedly passed away. In some respects, it feels like it wasn't that long ago, and yet the weight of his absence seems so much more than the years themselves.

In Buddhism, the seventh year after death carries special meaning. This Buddhist tradition pays respect to past ancestors at a number of auspicious dates, called nenki, and the observances are nenkihoyo (年忌法要). These are ceremonies or rites of posthumous homage in memory of a deceased loved one and are occasions when relatives, friends, and close family members gather to honor ancestors, remember the deceased, reflect on life's impermanence, and express gratitude. These memorials take place after the funeral, namely: the Seventh Day, 49 Days, 1 Year, and anniversaries of 3, 7, 13, 17, 25, 33, and 50 years after death.

Buddhist memorial service (stock image)

Interestingly, these memorial services did not arise from Buddhist doctrine itself, but from the ways Japanese cultural values gradually shaped Buddhist practices. These services became common during the Edo period in Japan more than 200 years ago. During that time, rulers from the Tokugawa clan wanted to ensure stability and obedience to the state. They promoted Confucian values, which stressed harmony by observing the natural order of society, which means honoring ancestors, respecting one’s elders and grandparents, and children obeying their parents. The Buddhist memorial services became an expression of these values.

Jeff and me at the Yamazaki Distillery in Kyoto Japan (May 2017)

Early Japanese emigrants who settled in the United States carried their traditions with them, including these memorial observances. Over time, as new generations of Japanese Americans grew up, many of these cultural practices have gradually faded. Although Buddhist funerals, and even the traditional 49‑day observance, still remain, the practice of holding memorial services on the customary anniversary dates has declined sharply over the years.

But the decline of these formal services shouldn't diminish our ability to take time to pause, reflect, and honor those who have passed. We can still choose to remember our loved ones not only on the anniversary of their death but every day by carrying forward their stories, adding to their legacy, and honoring the lives they lived.

So, on February 22, I ask all of you who were touched by Jeff, and those who sought to touch him, to take a few moments to remember him and what he meant to you.

(to be continued)

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